Sunday, January 18, 2009

Welcome to Dallas, President Obama

First we compared him to Kennedy, now Lincoln. Neither president ended up where any of us want our new Commander in Chief to end up.

What do we do with a black president? Well, he's not that black. I'm going to be a racist for a few minutes, because I can, because it comes easy, because I'm white and not that poor, and because I've got nothing better to do. I was thinking of writing Pepsi to discuss how their logo is a perversion of the unnursed female breast and how God explicitly forbid such a thing in Luke 23: 47--49 . . . ahem. . . .

"The centurion, seeing what had happened, praised God and said, 'Surely this was a righteous man.' When all the people who had gathered to witness this sight saw what took place, they beat their breasts and went away. But all those who knew him, including the women who had followed him from Galilee, stood at a distance, watching these things."

See? The red and blue breast of the Pepsi logo?! Can this resemble nothing more than the bruised unnursed breasts of the people Galilee? Atrocious!

But now we're going to get a black president, and I, being Holier than all you Thous, must weigh in. Don't worry about the weight thing though, I'm trying to exercise more. I make two trips to the refrigerator for each commercial break and I walk down my driveway to get my mail now instead of driving my car.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, a black president.

Do you think any of his advisers are whispering in his ear, "Oh, yeah, one more thing, see that? The Manson-Nixon, er, Mason-Dixon line? Yeah, don't go South of that. And for God's sake, whatever you do, do NOT let them talk you into taking a sunny drive through Dallas!"

Of course, we're all wiser and more politically correct now. Our nation is without hate. No one hates black people anymore, or white people, or brown people, or even yellow people. That's what we have terrorists for. If red is the new black (and I'm not sure that it is, honestly), then terrorists are the new communists which replaced the horribly antiquated "witch". Where's Senator McCarthy when you need him? Oh, yeah, rotting in the grave, heh, heh. Right now, he or is ilk (why does the word "ilk" make me "ill"?) should be holding up laundry lists before Congress or the Senate and claiming to have proof of terrorists sympathizers having infiltrated our God-fearing nation, wait, was that supposed to be God-fearing or God-loving? I'll have to check the bible again. Strangely, I feel a perverse need to fondle myself when I perform Biblical research, which explains why I'm not allowed in church anymore. (Well . . . at least one of us was not nodding off during the sermon, and I was certainly feeling the hand of God, because we're all made in His image you see, and that means God's got to be hung like a horse with great big luscious breasts. Again, kicked out of church, now you see why.)

Now, a small passage which attempts to redeem me before both African Americans and America's Salt of the Earth:

First, I like black people. I grew up in Louisiana, and have lived in the South my entire life. Being somewhat musical, I find it difficult not to groove to the blues, R&B, and even the occasional rap. Being a gourmand, I find it difficult to pass on a plate of good soul food. Being human, there's something beautiful about a black family on Sunday morning, the men all bald and beautiful, the women dressed in flowers and heels. I especially admire the older black men, of course, with their suspenders, their pot bellies and the pride of their family gleaming in their eyes.

Second, I like farmers, ranchers and cowboys. I've had good experience with these good ole boys, and I know that if you were stranded somewhere in your finest hose and heels (which I often am) and one of these "rednecks" came by in their pickup truck (confederate flag sticker and all), they wouldn't hesitate to stop and give you a helping hand, buy you a new battery, offer you a ride or use of their cell phone, and you'd be thankful, because like African Americans, they are basically good people.

Now, allow me to unredeem myself:

President Obama will soon find himself in an impossible position (which is not the fun impossible position where you try to lick yourself because today is one of those days that you are depressingly single and it's fucking HOT!). No, I mean the impossible position of being too black for the whites, and not black enough for the blacks. At least with white presidents, all the off-white citizens expected to be fucked. If one of these white guys give an off-white citizen a concession, a boost to immigration or inner city schools, they have the right to be ecstatic, though that ecstasy could and will be used against him.

For some reason I keep seeing a smiling Hillary and a Billy whispering into the microphone, in his scratchy Southern dialect, "Wow, he didn't even last 30 days."

Let's hope I'm wrong. I usually am. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have more bible research to conduct, as soon as I find that hand cream my last ex-wife left behind.

Aaron Diaz Hoal

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