Friday, February 13, 2009

The Litanous, Somewhat Litigious Ticker Tape of the Male Mind.

Women, hate us or love us, this is the truth. This is honesty in it's purest form. This is evolution, biology, reproductive strategies, testicular thinking in it's crudest, most subconscious, Alligator mind form as you will ever get.

The sweet guy that you claim you love will never admit the truth. Assholes like myself will . . . and here it is:

The thoughts of the male mind during an average day:

"I wonder if she'd wake up if I just started fucking her?
She'd probably be pissed. But would I get off before she woke up enough to be pissed? Nah, I'd probably pay for it later. God, she's got nice tits. Man, I could eat that ass up. Maybe I should lick her feet. Shit! I gotta get ready for work!

Jesus Christ! I hate oatmeal. Fucking bland tasteless nothing. I'm fat. I should probably start doing some weights. Fuck that. I'm a god! She loves my belly. Maybe I could skip a shower? Nah, probably should shower. There's a couple of cute girls at work, not to mention the checkout girl. I could get her. I wonder if I need to stop at Wal-mart. Why couldn't I be fucking a redhead? I wonder if she'd get too way pissed off if I went and fucked her breasts and came all over her face. She'd probably wake up.

Godammit! I hate getting up before the Sun. I should grab a bottle of wine, wake her up, make her watch the Sunrise with me, then fuck on the back porch, then go back to sleep. I wonder if she'd make me the perfect BLT. Fucking perfect world maybe.

Fucking Lexus cut me off! The bast-- . . . wait, it's a bitch. Fucking bitc--fuck it! She's cute. Too rich for me though. Could I fuck a girl long term that made more than me? It'd be weird if she wanted to pay for everything because I didn't have shit. Fuck it! Being a kept man would be pretty cool--pretty cool--fuck it! I couldn't do it!

I really want to pull her hair when I fuck her. I wonder if she'd let me fuck her up against a wall, wrap her legs around me. Jesus, she's wearing a lot of makeup. What the fuck?! Don't wanna fuck a rodeo clown!

Damn, Deb is hot! I should call in, flirt with her, tell her I love her show. Maybe I could meet her in a club and talk about how she's British and how I've been there. I wonder what the radio show intern girl looks like. Is she really hot? I can't believe Deb has brown hair. I was thinking blond.

Fuck it! What else is on? I need some music. Fuck! Almost missed my exit. Do I have time? Yeah, a little late, but I should get there. I should call her. Should I call her? She's probably on the road. I should call her and say "hey". She'd love that, but fuck it. I've gotta get to work. What would I do without her? Well, honestly, I'd find someone else to fuck, but she's pretty great. Fucking cracks me up. I . . . maybe . . . do I love he--

Damn, look at this bitch! God, what an ass! But she's black. Could I fuck a black chick? I don't know. Fucking exotic. I should find an Asian chick to fuck.

Shit. People. Gotta deal with people. Smile. Say hi. Smile. How ya doin' today? Ha ha. Funny. Stupid fuck. God what an ass--hey, how ya doing? I would so fuck those breasts, except the rest of her is a little fat. Goddamn, that face though. I could fuck that face to kingdom--

Statistics. Reports. Excel. Data. Discussion. Number. Tact. People. Employees, I'd fuck that. I'd fuck that, too. I need a real girlfriend, not the bullshit I've been playing around wi--data, numbers, math, microsoft
microsoftmicrosoftmicrosoftmicrosoft, fucking Bill Gates, microsoftmicrosoftmicrosoftmicrosoft, what the fuck's up with the mosquitoes, sorry about your loss. Man, fucking death. I can't believe I'm fucking forty. Mother fuck--I'd fuck her. Cute, but kind of mannish. I'd fuck that. She's kind of chubby, but maybe if I was drunk.

What. A. Fucking. Day.

I'm tired as shit. I should get a burger or a fucking pizza or some fucking ice cream of maybe I should get loaded. I wonder what escorts really charge. I wonder how much a high class escort really costs. I wonder what they smell like. Do they smell like the last guy they were with or do they clean up and smell really pretty and nice and fuckable. God, I would so love to fuck a model or maybe a supermodel, like in her twenties. Twenty-five. Could I get a twenty-five year old? Maybe, if I didn't want to pay my mortgage for the next three fucking months and could fucking lie and sweep her off her feet. I wonder if I should buy a suit?

God, she kisses good. Jesus, she smells like fucking heaven. I want to fuck her in the foyer. No, fuck that, on those don't-use-because-they're-fucking-
decorative cushions. Prop her ass up and dig in tight. What the fuck? Are you actually bending over in front of me?! Are you fucking serious? Oh, I am so totally fucking the daylights out of you ton--get together with friends? Fuck that. Shit. Really? Why the fuck do I promise anything ever? This sucks. Oh, right, because I want to fuck her. I'd promise to launch myself into the fucking Sun if she hinted at opening her thighs. All this bullshit about the glass ceiling and women. They've got all the power. Man, if I had tits like that I'd be such a fucking slut. She should be sluttier . . . but only with me. I wonder if she'd kiss another girl on videotape for me, but only want to fuck me, but invite another girl, a hot friend, to fuck me, too . . . on video.

Goddamit, I'm fucking tired. Fuck it. I'm taking a nap. Of course. Of fucking course. She wants me to go down on her now?!? I'm half a-fucking asleep. A long boring party, a shitload of beer, a hostess with cleavage that i wanted to dive in, and now that she's half drunk, she wants to fuck, and all I want is to go to slepzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Aaron Diaz Hoal

Sunday, February 1, 2009

If (Poor=Fat) then (Skinny=Broke)

If I'm buying a lot more groceries these days, it's because I'm trying to eat healthy and cut back on expenditures. Ever notice when you go on a diet the first thing you do is a buy a shitload of "healthy" food? Ever notice when you try to cut back on spending money, you stop at the grocery store twice as much?

I'm starting to wonder if I wouldn't save more money by being fat. Fast food is cheap, so is store-bought crappy food. Packages of powdered, sugared, glazed crap seem to be much cheaper than organic, multi-grain, high-fiber, low-fat crap. The grocery store is tempting me with a choice, be skinny and poor or fat and less poor.

I have poor relatives. They are on the "Gummit" program. On this program, they qualify for butter, cheese, eggs and the like because they have really shitty jobs that don't pay them nothing. But they do have Direct Dish and pretty sweet pickup trucks and all the ammo they can carry. Go figure. The government gives it to them for free (the food, not the ammo). I haven't had actual butter in probably a decade. Why? Because I care about my cholesterol and my heart and my colon. Or possibly because I'm an idiot.

I'm writing this because I'm getting old and starting to sound a lot like Andy Rooney. I was actually standing before the chicken at the local H.E.B. yesterday and griping aloud about what a rip off it was. "$8.00 for three chicken breasts?!? Are you fucking kidding me?!?" And that wasn't even the organic stuff. Chicken thighs are about half the price, but they are also full of fat, right?

When the food prices started soaring, I remember hearing news stories about how it was because the price of delivery had soared, because the price of gasoline had soared, because the Sheik in Dubai decided he need four more manufactured islands in the shape of his three new wife's uteruseseses. (Plural female genitaliaseses are a grammatical weakness of mine. Deal with it.) But when the gas prices came down, all of a sudden the same news channels explained (patiently and always with glossy, shiny effervescent smiles) that it was because of the speculative market. It was all about the stock market, you see. Gas prices didn't enter into it. Huh?

This is what I know. We (you and me) got sick of the food industry sneaking crap into our food (fat, sugar, salt, chemicals, etc.) and we asked nicely, "Please stop", and they said, "Fuck you. When you stop buying it; we'll stop making it". But they'd stacked the deck against us, snuck in things like high fructose corn syrup that tricked our brains into overeating, and other assorted little tricks designed to make us eat more, buy more, eat more, buy more. They were turning us into a nation of "Tribbles", always eating, always buying because what we ate never satisfied us.

So the organic industry was born. They promised free-range chickens and eggs, no added chemicals and we said "hurrah!", at least until it started costing us an arm and a leg. It's gotten to where butter might actually be healthier for you than margarine or that other weird butter-like stuff. Same thing with cheese.

A few years ago you couldn't eat spinach. Last year you couldn't eat tomatoes. This year we can't eat peanut butter. Next year I think they've got rice scheduled to be the mysterious "eat it if you WANT TO DIE!!!" food, which appeals to gambling addicts, but not to the rest of us.

So here's where I am. I'm not old to get money from the "Gummint". I'm not poor enough to get free food. I'm right smack dab in the middle class with the rest of you bastards. Eating healthy gets me poor real quick, but getting poor makes me fat. Eating crap saves me money, but gets me fat, which makes me want to diet, but diets cost more money, which makes me want to cut back on money buying cheaper goods, but the cheaper goods make me fat.
Jesus, no wonder we're a nation of yo-yo dieters. (Except for Yo Yo Ma, I believe he's a Slinky dieter.)

It's time like these that I envy anorexics. For the price of 1/2 of a cracker and a sliver of celery I can be both skinny and rich, at least up until the part where I die, but like smokers always say, "Hey, ya gotta die some time? Why not speed the process along?"

Aaron Diaz Hoal
Hungry, poor and pissed in Austin, Tx