Monday, March 1, 2010

The Blind Kingdom...Part IV (Now with Real Lemon flavoring!!!!)

Smart advice for numb-skulls!


It's best to hate someone below you, meaning someone poorer, dumber, uglier, fatter or generally less well-adjusted. Due to the diversity of the human species, pickings are plentiful. If you have not yet found a reason to hate your fellow brother / sister, then you have not been alive long enough nor have you really lived. You think you will never ever ever hate someone? You will. Never underestimate your fellow humans' ability to annoy, betray, hurt or anger you. The lesson of hate, like so many things, is in how you overcome it.

Note: Nothing pisses people off more than being generous and genuinely forgiving when they're busy trying to hate you. Just a tip from me to you because I care . . . you filthy shit-eating bastards.


They are the only proof that you are finally experiencing life in full.

The economy:

No one responsible and mature and wise gets hurt in a depression / recession. Oh sure, those of us who pay our bills on time and in full, those of us who prefer not to live beyond our paychecks might have to tighten our belts a tad, but not by much. We don't eat in restaurants every night anyway. Maybe once a week, if that. Instead of a trip by plane, we might have to drive, but we've got a sensible car and the low interest rate to pull it off. We're happy with what we have. We're not impressed by the Jones's because we know they can't really afford their new house, and we can afford ours. In fact, we're paid a few months ahead. We know we're okay because the mortgage company keeps calling us in the hopes that we'll refinance for lower payments, but we never do because we recognize it as a thinly veiled attempt to raise our interest rate, which just happens to be low and fixed, and when they call us and tell us it would cost us an additional $3,000.00 to refinance, we laugh in their face and put an additional $3,000.00 on the principal just to piss them off.

For the rest of you: be thankful you live in a country that allows you to go bankrupt with dignity and style. In any other part of the world, you would systematically be thrown into the streets to starve. Blame Darwin, and please, when begging, try to stay on the curb. I can't afford to have my brakes replaced just yet.

Your House:

You don't own it; it owns you. If you put as much time and energy into your relationships (i.e. spouse, children, brother, sister, parent, etc.) as you did into decorating your house, you'd be the happiest person on the planet, surrounded by love, companionship and happiness. But you didn't. Let's just hope the local Home Depot shows up at your funeral and refrains making jokes about how much wood they gave you.


It's the only proof that you are finally experiencing life in full . . . or are drunk, stoned or clinically insane.

World Travel:

For Americans: it's not a myth, there are actually other people in the world besides yourself.

For everyone else: We may be idiots, but we're smart idiots; we're litigious idiots; we're idiots with a whole shit load of missiles, a whole shit load of financial and political influence. If you were in our place, you'd behave the same, if not worse. In fact, judging you all by the actions of the Romans (i.e. Italians), British, Germans and Japanese, we're not doing so bad. But by all means, feel free to whine, but when we visit your B&Bs (which are delightful, by the way) . . . A. accept that we didn't take the time to learn the language because our vacations aren't as long yours, and our proximity is not nearly so convenient, and B. don't spit in our eggs, most Americans didn't have shit to do with, nor did we approve of bombing the shit out of the Iraqi people.


Some of the best and worst moments of your life will be spent here: you have only yourself to blame.

to be continued

Aaron Diaz Hoal

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